Awakward 101

First I preface this story by telling you I didn’t even want McDonald’s for dinner. I was tired and really wanted Subway but couldn’t find parking so in trying to go “around the block,” I got lost in the neighborhood I’ve lived in for almost 5 years. And it took me 20min to get the 4 blocks where McDonald’s is located.

Pulling up to the drive through I first notice that the old car in front of me is two car lengths from the car in front of them. After 10min the car oh decides to pull up the squawking box. Finally it’s my turn, the guy doesn’t understand me and then never gives me a total. Looking quite silly as I wait for the total, I give up and pull around. A spunky little 22 yr old boy pops out of the window squeaking “Hey!” at me. Being amused at my inability to navigate my way around IE laughing at myself. I laugh at him. He comments, “Hey you’re the nicest person I’ve seen tonight!” Um thanks. “Do you like movies?” Sure. “Have you seen Quarantine yet?” No. “Do you want to?” No, not really. (I don’t like horror movies). AND I no longer date 22 yr olds. Not a good idea.

Laughing I pull up to the next window and as I’m waiting my turn for my food. I see a mouse run around the ledge and almost into the take out window. All I could do is sit there with my hand over my mouth. What are you suppose to do when that happens? The mouse runs back and I thought down to the ground. Nope, there’s a hole in the wall. That mouse is in the McDonald’s. I will no longer be eating there and I suggest you do the same. McDonald’s at Riverside between Vineland and Lankershim blvd. DON’T EAT THERE!!!!

Found a great quote yesterday. In regards to his parents…

” I know that if one of them had been any different, it would have sent my life into a spiral of misunderstandings and insecurities about the world and about the relationships I have. ninety percent of the people I meet are dealing with issues they can’t overcome because of bad parenting. That’s the truth. There’s that side of you that says, ‘Time to get over the hurt and move.’ “It’s hard to do. So you just hang on to the emotion that this one didn’t love me, or why didn’t that relationship last? That stuff stays with you forever. You want to say, ‘Get over yourself! Come on! Time to grow up! Some people are able to do that, but a lot of use remains victims of it. So I was fortunate with my parents. Without them, I would never have been able to be as level headed as I am, considering everything that’s happened to me.” – Leonardo DiCaprio as told to Parade Magazine

Another reason why I simply admire Leo. I feel as if I’m dealing with the people described every single day.

Ok first just because I’m watching CSI: Miami which yes is not great TV. First what is up w/ Callie Ducane (sp?) lips? Collagen looks bad people just do not do it! She has fake, plumpy gross lips. Second do not try and use Long Beach with it’s obvious crayola crayon street signs as Miami. It’s obviously not Miami. Lord.

With that off my chest….here’s the real post…..

There is a time in our lives, usually after college graduation, where we have to decide what the hell we’re going to do w/ our lives. Now after college this usually means figuring out where you’re going to move and then finding a job. Later it’s picking a partner, getting married, and deciding to have kids. I was unusually lucky because at that time of my life I already knew what I was going to do. Less than two weeks after graduation I packed up my life and moved to LA. I’ve been here every since and always with the same goal to produce feature films.

What exactly am I suppose to do when it’s a little over a month til my 29th birthday and I have no freakin’ clue what to do with my life? This past year has been one giant wake up call and I have no idea what I’m going to do. In less than a week I’m going to be unemployed and I’ve discovered that I have no real world job skills, no useful degree, and really no experience which pertains to any job openings I’m finding. I have little savings, due to my decision to live like a 22 yr old for several months, and in a very short time if I do not find work I’m going to have to decide….do I move home? Oh yes, Southern Illinois. Great place to find work in the entertainment industry. Shoot me. But I am almost 29 and this is when I’m suppose to be able to support myself and not have to call my parents to bail me out. But I have a nice giant rent payment and a new fun $500 cobra health insurance bill each month.

Always save, never live alone, and for fuck’s sake do not get sick! You will be SOL in a very, very short time. Now I can pretty much move anywhere I’d like. I have no real attachments here ie. partner, kids, house. Oh wait there’s my leased car…..yeah there’s a reason to stay. I really don’t like any cities in the United States mostly cause I’m not a huge fan of our country at the moment and I really hate cold weather. So I’m thinking Canada?! OR since I miss my BFF more than anything possibly Chicago. I do have some other friends there but we haven’t seen each other since college graduation so I’m sure they all have their own lives now.

In the end, it sort of sucks being an “adult” and I have no freakin’ clue what I’m going to do.

I know what a weird subject for a post but my bug adventure the other night highly amused me so I thought WTF let’s share it.

Let preface this story by stating that I am from a bug state ie. Illinois. Now I love when people try to tell me about the large roaches in NYC or mosquitoes in the South etc. because our bugs might not be the largest but we have every variety of creepy, crawly, pesky, bug out there. Growing up I have been tormented many, many times by every bug imaginable but I had and still do, a huge aversion to anything that jumps. This includes crickets and especially frogs, which yes I know isn’t a bug, but if I see a frog in the wild I will, not freak out, but steer clear of the slimy, jumping little pest. Keep in mind this particular aversion came after the summer the frogs invaded IL and I kept stepping on them barefoot. Makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.

But back to my story, the other night I came home from working the night shift so it’s about 3am. I’m just chilling watching TV when out of hte corner of my eye I spy something moving. It’s a freakin’ cricket hoping across my carpet. Immediately I jump up and grab a sneaker. Now it’s 3am and I don’t want to get near the thing so picture me, half awake, hopping around trying to throw my sneaker at a cricket and trying to do so without making a sound. Plus I keep missing the lil’ shit keeps trying to dart under my Entertainment center. Not good, not good at all. Thinking I needed to be quicker and I grabbed 3 other sneakers. Armed w/ ammo, I aimed at the thing but now it’s hoping toward the balcony door. New goal; get the creepy thing to jump out the door and then slam it shut. Yes, I went all PETA on the thing.

Well….PETA will be revoking my card cause that didn’t work at all. Finally I hit it with a sneaker but it only stunned the nasty thing. I aimed again and this time hit it with one shoe and then used another to add weight to really squash it.

This all happened um…last week Thursday. Yesterday I needed to wear the sneakers which were still killing the bug. So standing far away, cause ya know it could still be alive, I grabbed them only to discover the cricket had dried to my shoe. Squealing like a girl, um no judgements, I bolted to the bathroom where I had to scrap the bug into the toilet and it fell off in parts. GROSS!!!!

Needless to say…..ok I’ve got nothing just laugh at me w/ the tiny cricket acting like it was a cobra or something.

A few months ago I posted a list of books I had read and was going to read. Well I’m still reading like a mad woman and decided to update my previous list. Enjoy!

Currently Reading: Einstein’s Dreams

Read:
The Memory of Water
Special Topics in Calamity Physics
T is for Trespass
Boy Meets Girl
Flight
Twilight
Eclipse
New Moon
Bitter is the New Black
Eat Pray Love
Why Men Marry Bitches
Magical Thinking
Minaret
The Other Boleyn Girl
Confederacy of Dunces- just figured out I had read this years ago…
Love in the Time of Cholera
Running with Scissors
Possible Side Effects
Dry
Masquerade
Devil in the White City
Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Breaking Dawn
How to Be a Canadian
& Two other books I borrowed but forgot their names….

To Read:
The Book Theif
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Unaccustomed Earth
Belong To Me
Love the One You’re With
A New Earth
Giving
Breakable You
Reading Lolitas of Tehran
The Monsters of Temptation
Now you See Him
Trauma
Then We Came to the End
Remembering Me
The King’s Gold

Honestly I really just felt the need to add a post….I’m sitting on my couch, wishing my sort throat wasn’t sore anymore and very tried. I need to go to sleep because tomorrow I’m suppose to help my two friends move in together. I’ve managed to punk out of 2 of their previous moves so I really need to do my part this time. Sigh. Really wish I felt better cause it’s the VMA’s this weekend and I should be out getting drunk w/ celebrities, but instead I worked then came home.

Last weekend I was able to go visit my BFF in Chicago and it was heaven. Her family is like my other family and I always just get to relax and chill out when I’m there. I leave all the problems in LA and just get to play with her 2 year old son and get fed lots of yummy food. Plus there’s the magic day bed. She had this bed in college and I used to sleep in her room during the day cause she got a breeze. now the bed is in the guest room and I always sleep like a baby in it. It’s amazing! I was having soo many problems with sleep before I left that I had tried several drugs and doctors. I’m trying to become more active, mostly cause I’m becoming a blob and I need to get physically exhausted as well as mentally.

Work isn’t stressing me out but my personal life is a bit. I feel stuck. Like I’m not moving anywhere. I never thought at this point in my life this is where I’d be but here I am and rather than except this shit I’m trying to fight it. I really have to find a new job soon and i’m trying to find a job which involves working with bands. I really want to combine TV, online, and music. I think it would be perfect for my new obsession with finding new music, the limitless possibilities of the Internet, and TV aspect is my fantastic ability to interview people. Never thought I ‘d be good at it but I am and now is the time to use this shit. I want a change…what I’d love is to get hired to be a band’s videographer and go on tour with them. I’d gladly put my shit in storage and take off for awhile. Sounds like a great adventure for me. I need a new adventure and one which doesn’t cost me thousands.

I’m also considering dating someone…yep that’s a new one for me. I’m not even sure I totally like this person or am just bored and am willing to take the chance. I haven’t totally decided yet and am hoping that next week we can just “run into” each other while out. Hey the one you want can’t get their shit together you have to go out and find someone new. I think I’m more than ready for this to happen…ok it’s taken a bit cause I haven’t found anyone I even remotely wanted to date but I might have now…….

Yep, that is so me right now. My life has turned into a giant yawn fest. Why you ask? Well it all begins and ends with my damn job. For that though we should start at the very beginning….junior high. It was at this point in my life that my father, who is a wise man (I’m serious) told me to take one of my hobbies and make it into a career. Too bad my hobby wasn’t math or disecting animals so that I could be an accountant or veternarian. Nope, my favorite past time? TV. The death of society. I wanted to make movies and tv shows. Lord.

Flash forward to now 28 yr old me, I’m broke, nearing 30 and can barely pay my rent cause I have a degree in Film Production or a nice stiff piece of paper to wipe my ass with – it would be more useful that way. My current position is better than my old job but definitely isn’t perfect. I work night edits and have been for 2 months and have at least 2 more to go. Shoot me. I have no life. AND my sleep is ruined. I’m on day 4 of not sleeping and I’ve gone completely stupid. Here’s a typical fun filled day for me:

1. Noon try to wake up.
2. 1pm – actually get up
2:30pm – shower
3:30pm – drive to work
4:00pm – Get to work and learn of the day’s drama
5:00pm – Boss leaves and sitting in tiny dark room begins
7:00pm – Dinner and moment of sanity as leave tiny dark room
1:00am – Finish boring editing session where watch editor press buttons.
1:30 – 1:45am – Get Home
4:00am – still cannot sleep
5:00am – Get up to have water…still not sleeping.
6:00am – Curse the F’ing sun and the not working drapes
6:15am – finally fall asleep

REPEAT!!!

Now as my 1.5 readers, read this please think about my exciting life as you pick a career in college. You to could live this joyous, life changing, thrill a minute, can’t get enough of it all…..life. *Yawn. Shit, writing this even bored me.

There are times, ahem once a month, that being a female ie. woman can really suck. Generally I like being a girl. Being able to think using my actual brain and all but there are times where I want to just bitch about it. Here’s a few reasons why:

1. Once a month I want to rip my ovaries out with my bare hands, swing them around my head, and fling them at the nearest neanderthal. This hatred of being in pain, bloated, cranky, and all girly mostly comes from the fact that I cannot have kids so this monthly good time is wasted on me. I have friends who love it cause it reaffirms their “womanhood” um Why?! it’s gross and awful.

2. Men can urinate anywhere at anytime and it’s easy and not a production for them. Any of my friends who give me the well if we’re stuck in traffic and you had to go, you’d use a bottle too. Um no. Please be prepatred to have urine all over your nice car seats. I am a bathroom only kind of girl.

3. Men get to be hairy and not only is it accepted in society but many and I mean many women find it a turn on. For women, oh man if you need any type of sprucing up well then the man you’re with is running the other way. WTF?! Trimming is for everyone.

4. As men age they are considered distinguised and more sexy. Ie. George Clooney. The man is definitely sexier today, in his 40’s, than during the “Roseanne” years. Women, get to spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery, trainers, diets, botox, and every freakin’ miracle cream known to the world. AND if even then we are in our 40’s and don’t look 25 then we are hideous.

5. Men get to gain weight. Ohh bring on the beer guts! Women will still sleep with a pudgy, beer gutted man and find pleasure in doing so but if a woman dares to put on 5lbs suddenly she’s a water retaining hose beast that no man will every touch and find great pleasure in not, F’ing her, but publicly ridiculing her. Want to talk about F’d up?!

Now honestly all this bitching came only because I’m cranky and hating my ovaries. Some of the items above women can bring on themselves. I personally will not spend thousands in plastic surgery, will nto sleep w/ portly men nor hairy ones, and if you think I’m fat then walk the other way because if you call me fat in public you’re never going to be able to “perform” again.

Tonight I was watching a repeated episode of Grey’s Anatomy and the ending Meredith voice over had her saying that people who know what they want are happier than those who have no idea what they want. Are they? I have know exactly what I’ve wanted out of life since I could imagine my “adult” life but honestly I am no more happy than my friends who are wandering from job to job. All of us are equally frustrated, making less money than we are worth, and not miserable but at times not exactly happy.

So is knowing what you want and not being able to attain it is that better than not knowing at all? To me, nope. Having not actually obtained anything I’ve ever really, really wanted in life, I at times really wish I didn’t have those long term goals. Sometimes I think I would be happier if I just fell into jobs and wasn’t constantly hunting/striving for that “ideal” job.

Which is it? You tell me.

Every so often I run into this little, ok not really little, problem. No, not that problem. I get restless and sometimes I can pinpoint what’s going on which is forcing me to feel restless but other times I’ve really got nothing. I am so very bored w/my life that I want to run screaming naked down my street. That would be a very, very bad thing to do. I cannot figure out how to fix this not so little issue. I’m not sure traveling would solve it and there’s nothing really wrong with my job but I’m soo bored. I’m even being more social and going out quite a bit but nope still restless. Plus I tend to be a bit ADD which is not helping with this aggravating problem. BTW how many times do you think I can use the word, “problem” in this post? I dare you to count.

What to do? I think partly it’s from not having closure with a few past relationships which applies to any type of relationship not just the romantical kind. I have this nagging issue where if things are over with a person and I truly know that they are over but haven’t gotten that lovely luxury of having one final conversation with that person, it will take me FOREVER to just let the whole thing rest in peace. When I get that conversation all questions are answered and we can both just be on our merry ways. But pls keep in mind that I do not seek this conversation out until I’m doing sad, pathetic acts of desperation. I AM NOT THAT GIRL! I strictly live with the idea that no matter what I can walk out with my dignity. I say that instead of pride because being too proud can keep you from working things out and moving forward. Urgh people…..we have to have each other because without pain you will never know happiness which is very true but does there have to be so much pain before the happiness?