Archive for May, 2008

Sunday night, memorial day weekend, my friends – whom I don’t see that often – call me and ask for me to drag my ass up and over the mountain down to the beach to go out. Since I usually don’t go I decided to quit being a lazy ass and go. The place, Harvelles, is tiny ie. very tiny. First it was $10 to get in and then the battled began.

To start with I have to practically beat my way to the bar. The place is like one long hallway w/ the bar on your left and a few tables on the right. Then at the end is the “stage”. Or the 6in off the ground platform where 6 guys are crammed in surrounded by a giant smoke cloud which was not a smoke machine. Nope. It was the singers 100’s cigarettes which at the beginning of every song he lights another one. I hadn’t seen that much chain smoking since the prime time soap era in 80’s. Yikes! I felt myself getting lung cancer. Slowly the cells formed and choked me until I almost vomited. Ok fine. I’m exaggerated.

I digress. Pushing my way to the bar I finally got a beer or sort of a beer; a Bud Light. Yummy! I am 22 again! Kill me. Now trying to maneuver my way through drunks, holding a beer, and trying to not get groped I pushed/flighted my way to the side of the “stage” where my friends where standing Keep in mind, the geniuses, decided to stand on the side which featured the bathrooms. Good choice. Now there are tons of drunk girls pushing/stumbling their way to the bathroom throughout the entire performance.

So as I’m standing there, getting cancer, watching burlesque dancers go at it on a pole and on boxes, which BTW I seriously now want to be one of those girls – hot, I’m smashed against the sound board and a F’ing couple. The “couple” stand in front of me and every time a drunk pushes their way through he pushes his elbow into either my breast or rib cage. Seriously I kept saying, “ouch! You’re hurting me!” Then he’d turn, sheepishly look me in the face, and say, “sorry” and shrug his shoulders I’m like sorry my ass! Move 2 inches forward you asshole! Honestly i didn’t say that but I really, really wanted to but didn’t have the balls. Plus I was tired.

20 minutes of this though and I now have a nice bruise under my right breast. Goodie. That area was getting a bit bland. Better to have a surprise waiting under there. some days I just feel so very old and that night I felt 110 years old. Blech! I’m working on that problem………

In order to avoid my mind ie. thoughts I’ve taken to reading, A LOT! Here’s what I’ve been reading:

Special Topics in Calamity Physics
T is for Trespass
Boy Meets Girl
Flight
Twilight
Eclipse
New Moon
Bitter is the New Black
Eat Pray Love
Why Men Marry Bitches
Magical Thinking
Minaret
& Two other books I borrowed but forgot their names….

To Read:
A New Earth
The Other Boleyn Girl
Confederacy of Dunces- just figured out I had read this years ago…
Giving
Breakable You
Running with Scissors
Possible Side Effects
Dry
Einstein’s Dreams
Love in the Time of Cholera
Reading Lolitas of Tehran
The Monsters of Temptation
Now you See Him
Trauma
Then We Came to the End
Remembering Me
The King’s Gold

I was all set w/ something interesting to write about but crap I’m so old I forgot it. I hate when that happens. I’m beginning to get worried that recently I’ve become a bit boring. I’m blaming this on the fact that I’m a bit broke and I cannot afford to have a life. That and I’m back to not sleeping so I’m cranky/tired all the damn time. Being in a new job makes being all cranky a bit awkward. I’m trying not to be but yesterday I think my producer go the full extent of it and really she’s to nice to have to deal w/ my mood swings. plus I have no energy and I hate feeling that way….I need to be working on my side project but I’m having a few issues w/ focusing on it. Not good. Not good at all.

Things that shouldn’t take me all day to do but are right now:

1. The dishes
2. Cook
3. Get to work – seriously getting later and later
4. Getting dressed – beginning to dress like I did in college which is not cute
5. Where was I going w/ this list?
6. Write anything – see above
7. Work – call me Turtle
8. Um…..think?
9. Why does this list need 10 things?
10. Be entertaining/charming…yep just failing here.

Well that was dumb…..good thing um no one reads this thing. HA!

Two weeks ago I started a new job and so far it’s been good. Not perfect but a vast improvment from my last position. In my new building you have to scan your badge to get into our office suite. AND you have to use a key to get into the bathroom waaaayyyy down the hall – it’s so annoying.

Anyways….last Thursday after living in my new digs for almost two weeks I’m coming back from the bathroom. Walking up to the suite door, I smile at my new janitor. Yes, I don’t know his name but he’s really friendly and smile at me but doesn’t speak much if any english. So I smile and stroll up to the door and then attempt to open the suite door w/ the bathroom key. After several tries I realize that um I need to swipe the badge. Now already feeling like the biggest moron to walk the planet I swipe my card, the door beeps, but I’m pulling on the door and it’s not opening. Screwing my face up in frustration I’m like what the hell is wrong w/ this freakin’ door! Again I swipe the badge and nothing. On the third try w/ the badge I remember, “oh yeah! I need to turn the handle after the beep.” I repeat I’ve been working here for almost two weeks.

So I quickly enter the suite, but on the last moment turn my head slightly to the right because I hear giggling. Standing there still smiling my friendly janitor is laughing at me and shaking his head. I think I just became his favorite new person on the 2nd floor.

There are the obvious times when being single can seriously suck ass. You know that instances….like ohh I don’t know. Going to a roller skating party and it’s couple’s skate time and you’re the only one not in a freakin’ couple. So you try to slink off the rink and go have some of the spiked punch but ya know everyone has seen you slink off and is doing the ohhh poor Koop! Bite me!

But there are the other times…the little everyday tasks which can become a huge pain in the ass because it’s just YOU! ie. today when I attempted to go grocery shopping. First there’s the pain of parking and me almost hitting a truck trying to fit into a compact spot. Then me trying to load the damn groceries into the truck while holding my purse in one hand, opening the trunk w/ the other, and using my foot to hold the cart from rolling down the highly inconvenient incline in the F’ing parking lot. I swear it was a circus act.

Then I get home and get to fight another freakin’ incline in my parking garage. I finally get the bags out of the trunk only to realizes that I bought way too many bottles of water, juice, and milk. My measly four bags of food are like 10 lb weights. Struggling I somehow manage to open the first door into the elevator, go upstairs then struggle to carry all the heavy bags to my door. By this time I want to scream….seriously if I had a significant other this whole job would have been not only easier but maybe even enjoyable. But nope here I am alone yet again. Before any of you even start with me it’s because I want to be but that’s all I’m saying on that subject.

Just as I’m about to curse the grocery gods and I’m hating well most all inanimate objects. There sitting silently outside my door is a little box. But ohhhhhhhh! It’s my new Macbeth shoes! Hallelujah! Sad to say but for most any woman all can be forgiven with new shoes. Please keep in mind it took me weeks to find these suckers in my size so finding my shoes at this moment of exasperation is like finding a pot of gold. Happy Dancing all around!!!!!

***See above picture.

I firmly believe in every single person’s life there is at least one family relationship that is completely awkward. Sadly I have a few of these type of relationships in mine. To be fair, it’s probably got something to do with that fact that I’m an odd duck. I mean seriously I’m emotionally stupidly complicated but once you figure it all out it’s really simple. But for some reason my family just cannot figure this out or else they just don’t want to figure me out.

Really it’s this easy….when upset I am mostly likely to seek comfort from someone who I’m not that close with or someone that I once was close with but not so much anymore. It’s my comfort zone which I know is because these people will only judge the situation not me or they will understand when I say, ” I just want you to tell me it will all be ok” I’m a completely independent person so most of the time I already know the answer to my problem and am just not ready to accept it. I do not need another person giving my advice If I want that I will ask for me….please do not volunteer it. That’s it….really not that hard and most of my friends know not to take this personally. It had nothing to do with any specific individual. Why the hell can my family not get this?! Urgh!

Sometimes when talk to them it’s like talking to a damn Cabbage Patch Kid doll They sit there, smiling, wide eyed, sort of nodding their heads but it is just bunching right back off their foreheads. Now why would I ever call them with problems if they cannot learn how to deal w/ me and my F’cked up self? I don’t think you’d call them either. Just so I’m clear this doesn’t apply to all of my family….really some of them get it. But for others this equals a very awkward relationship. They get pissed cause I don’t call but then why would I? I’ll explain why I”m not calling but they don’t get it so I don’t call then they get pissed. are you seeing the fun circle going on here? *sigh. I really just want to shake the shit out of them and be like “Don’t you get it!”

What also doesn’t help is that I’m mostly emotionally unavailable because for some reason I respond to situations like a guy. Yep, I’m a deal with it kind of girl. I seriously can be an ass at times but anyone close to me knows that 99.9% of the time it’s never coming from a malicious place. Hey it’s how I”m funny. What can I say? But here’s the F’ked up part being an ass hasn’t served any part of my life so you’d think I’d change that part of my personality but um no. For some very wrong reason, it amuses me. I know so so wrong. You’d think I’d learn but I know for a fact that someday I’m going to meet someone and they’ll appreciate my “assness” aka: funny me.

First I promised a post from my HS Reunion and well I just cannot make it funny…dammit. BUT today there was an awkward moment or two….

First I’ve started a new job and have moved buildings so that now i”m part of an office suite (which is lovely except that we don’t even have a copy machine….hmmm) and now get to use the “bathroom key.” Now this presents a problem or two. For starters the restroom is way down the hall and a bit of a hike which is just annoying. Especially if you really need to go. Second there is only one key. Yep just one key but here’s the really fun part. The keys are on a nail by the doorway leading out of the suite where everyone walks by. Imagine this…you walk all through your suite, practically doing the potty dance with all your co-workers watching you only to get to that blasted nail and discover the key is gone! ohh so you do a lovely walk of shame, slinking back into your office only to repeat this process all over again in 10 minutes. Today I got to do this fun dance 3 times in a row before the freakin’ key was back. Just a tiny bit awkward.

There’s also that really awkward moment when someone opens a door really wide and you have split second to decide if they’re opening the door for you to go through or just swung it too wide. My new boss has a really bad habit of doing this so I’m constantly awkwardly going through, saying thank you, and getting a bizarre look from her. What makes it even more awkward is that I’m 5′10′ and the boss is ohh about 5′2″. Really, really looks bizarre to have the midget holding the door for the giant. Sort of makes my laugh but hey I’m an odd duck.

More silliness to come…..well my attempts at being funny at least.

Over the past few months I have chastised many times for not sharing my blog….so in order to get those people to shut the hell up I decided to start a new one. HA! The other blog will remain hidden and still good luck to those who want to find it.

Awkward 101 is going to be a collection of my awkward and sometimes embarrassing moments in life. Personally I find these quite funny and thought you might too. Plus I get really bored at work and this gives me something new to do instead of being on facebook etc. Honestly I’m starting to hate facebook as much as myspace. Why does anyone need to spend hours looking at other people’s pictures, comments, or favorite TV show? Read a book losers! *Keep in mind I at times am one of those losers.

Also I am a sarcastic person, who cannot spell nor type, and at times can be somewhat of an ass. Please keep this in mind as reading the posts because they are never meant to harm anyone. But for my friends, yes you will probably be written about here and I will use fake names but you’ll know it’s you. Sorry but that’s what you get for experiencing my awkwardness first hand. Think of that as a privilege.

For anyone reading this who has their own awkward stories please feel free to email them to me. There are so few of us who are willing to admit these moments but yet everyone single person out there has them. Don’t lie, you know you’ve had them. Look for the first story soon….this weekend is my high school reunion so I’m more than positive I’ll have something to write about on Tuesday.

Stay tuned…..

*Editorial Note: At any point in time I reserve the right to just rant about anything I want and the right to use profanity. Consider yourself warned!