Archive for July, 2008

Today I watched an actually quite good film “Becoming Jane”. Overall the film was a moving, period film about Jane Austin and explains how she became “Jane Austin”. By that I mean how she was able to write such great love stories…why you ask? It’s because she never got the ending she wanted in life. She, a good person, did not get her life’s desire. But it’s entirely her fault.

Jane could of had the man she loved but if chose her then his reputation would be ruined and his financial means would vanish. Now the two through their love were determined to overcome this problem but here in lies the other problem. Her man was providing for his mother and many half brothers and sisters If he choose Jane then his entire family would suffer and Jane was convinced under this pressure and gloom their love would die too. So what does she do? She leaves him and never marries but becomes the world’s leading romantic novelist to this day.

Could you do that? Honestly I think I’ve given enough of myself and would have been selfish. In the end, no one was happy. They were still in love even though he married another woman and named his eldest daughter Jane and got an amazing career. Deep down though he still pined for her and she for him. Exactly what was the point? Is it better to love from afar than to never have that love?

I believe in life you have two choices. One you can live your life without failing in love but suffer from the loneliness and eventually jealousy you will have toward those you have found love and happiness. The loneliness can kill you and in history it has done exactly that. Having the feeling that you are entirely alone in this world leaves one completely empty and can turn you cold.

On the other hand you can fall in love which is marvelous if it lasts but what if it doesn’t? You crave for someone to tell you that they want you, desire you, love you, wants you around and then they take that away. You’re left with sometimes anger, other times sorrow, but it all winds up to be heart break and of course loneliness. The pain from this can envelop you and overtake your world. Sometimes you can feel it through your entire body until you can no longer breath – it’s crushing.

So what’s better? To know that love, that feeling of completing another person or meeting someone you connect with in every sense of the word or protecting your heart and staying alone? Honestly they both lead to loneliness and w/o love there will be no inspiration for art, poetry, films, TV, literature etc. Though you can be crushed….it’s always better to feel…something.

Each and every year I attempt to have a drunken good time on the 4th of July but alas I never seem to accomplish this goal. Sadly this year was not unlike the rest. Ok well to be fair it was great until about 5:30pm and then things went bad. But I had high hopes especially since I was going w/ a friend who i always have fun with and I just thought, “Hey, this is a good first step.” Wrong, wrong, so very wrong.

I went to party on a sail boat in the LB Marina w/ my friend, her sister & boyfriend (#1), and my “mini” and her boyfriend (#2). Sadly Boyfriend #1 turned into the type of guy I ran the F’ away from my entire life. Seemed harmless at first but then he kept drinking and drinking and drinking some more. Now he’s beligerant, and beratting his gf and her sister. Calling her “lard ass” and all of us “bitches.” Plus he could barely walk, kept stumbling around in these giant yellow workman boats. I thought forsure this ass is going to fall into the water (which in the LB is a guarantee bacterail infection).

After hours of humiliation and annoyance by this jerk we finally give up on him, leave the boat, steal the boat keys and go watch the fireworks. having have some “oohh” and “ahh” time, we decided to head back to La La Land but suddenly the gf is like I can’t leave him which pisses off the sister, who’s now drunk. Walking up a giant hill, we attempt to hail a cab to cab it back to the city. Keep in mind this adventure is going to cost us hundreds of dollars but um wait, cells rings and we’re walking back down the giant hill to the marina. Screaming ensues but we’re off home, oh wait now, idiot has taken the boat out to sail, which he barely knows how to do sober, and um where are the keys? More screaming, more driving around, some road rage where I thought some nice friendly Long Beachers were going to SHOOT US! and we’re back at the marina, “looking for the keys.” BUT those keys well on the way back down the giant hil they got thrown in to the street. An hour and half later, the drunk is found, no keys but we’re headed home.

Keep in mind this entire time there are 5 people in the Tahoe, 4 of which are saying nothing but continusoulsy txting each other. Obnoxious yes but there was no way in hell I was uttering one damn word. A day later I come to find out the drunk, is actually a drunk. Oh he’s in AA and he slipped but oh wwait it was apparently ok at first cause it was holiday. Um WTF?! GF dumped his ass. Oh and I’ve never seen a more sobering sight than a 44 yr old stumbling over his giant feet yelling obsenities. Shit, that should make anyone sober. Happy 4th of July!