Archive for August, 2008

Yep, that is so me right now. My life has turned into a giant yawn fest. Why you ask? Well it all begins and ends with my damn job. For that though we should start at the very beginning….junior high. It was at this point in my life that my father, who is a wise man (I’m serious) told me to take one of my hobbies and make it into a career. Too bad my hobby wasn’t math or disecting animals so that I could be an accountant or veternarian. Nope, my favorite past time? TV. The death of society. I wanted to make movies and tv shows. Lord.

Flash forward to now 28 yr old me, I’m broke, nearing 30 and can barely pay my rent cause I have a degree in Film Production or a nice stiff piece of paper to wipe my ass with – it would be more useful that way. My current position is better than my old job but definitely isn’t perfect. I work night edits and have been for 2 months and have at least 2 more to go. Shoot me. I have no life. AND my sleep is ruined. I’m on day 4 of not sleeping and I’ve gone completely stupid. Here’s a typical fun filled day for me:

1. Noon try to wake up.
2. 1pm – actually get up
2:30pm – shower
3:30pm – drive to work
4:00pm – Get to work and learn of the day’s drama
5:00pm – Boss leaves and sitting in tiny dark room begins
7:00pm – Dinner and moment of sanity as leave tiny dark room
1:00am – Finish boring editing session where watch editor press buttons.
1:30 – 1:45am – Get Home
4:00am – still cannot sleep
5:00am – Get up to have water…still not sleeping.
6:00am – Curse the F’ing sun and the not working drapes
6:15am – finally fall asleep

REPEAT!!!

Now as my 1.5 readers, read this please think about my exciting life as you pick a career in college. You to could live this joyous, life changing, thrill a minute, can’t get enough of it all…..life. *Yawn. Shit, writing this even bored me.

There are times, ahem once a month, that being a female ie. woman can really suck. Generally I like being a girl. Being able to think using my actual brain and all but there are times where I want to just bitch about it. Here’s a few reasons why:

1. Once a month I want to rip my ovaries out with my bare hands, swing them around my head, and fling them at the nearest neanderthal. This hatred of being in pain, bloated, cranky, and all girly mostly comes from the fact that I cannot have kids so this monthly good time is wasted on me. I have friends who love it cause it reaffirms their “womanhood” um Why?! it’s gross and awful.

2. Men can urinate anywhere at anytime and it’s easy and not a production for them. Any of my friends who give me the well if we’re stuck in traffic and you had to go, you’d use a bottle too. Um no. Please be prepatred to have urine all over your nice car seats. I am a bathroom only kind of girl.

3. Men get to be hairy and not only is it accepted in society but many and I mean many women find it a turn on. For women, oh man if you need any type of sprucing up well then the man you’re with is running the other way. WTF?! Trimming is for everyone.

4. As men age they are considered distinguised and more sexy. Ie. George Clooney. The man is definitely sexier today, in his 40’s, than during the “Roseanne” years. Women, get to spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery, trainers, diets, botox, and every freakin’ miracle cream known to the world. AND if even then we are in our 40’s and don’t look 25 then we are hideous.

5. Men get to gain weight. Ohh bring on the beer guts! Women will still sleep with a pudgy, beer gutted man and find pleasure in doing so but if a woman dares to put on 5lbs suddenly she’s a water retaining hose beast that no man will every touch and find great pleasure in not, F’ing her, but publicly ridiculing her. Want to talk about F’d up?!

Now honestly all this bitching came only because I’m cranky and hating my ovaries. Some of the items above women can bring on themselves. I personally will not spend thousands in plastic surgery, will nto sleep w/ portly men nor hairy ones, and if you think I’m fat then walk the other way because if you call me fat in public you’re never going to be able to “perform” again.

Tonight I was watching a repeated episode of Grey’s Anatomy and the ending Meredith voice over had her saying that people who know what they want are happier than those who have no idea what they want. Are they? I have know exactly what I’ve wanted out of life since I could imagine my “adult” life but honestly I am no more happy than my friends who are wandering from job to job. All of us are equally frustrated, making less money than we are worth, and not miserable but at times not exactly happy.

So is knowing what you want and not being able to attain it is that better than not knowing at all? To me, nope. Having not actually obtained anything I’ve ever really, really wanted in life, I at times really wish I didn’t have those long term goals. Sometimes I think I would be happier if I just fell into jobs and wasn’t constantly hunting/striving for that “ideal” job.

Which is it? You tell me.

Every so often I run into this little, ok not really little, problem. No, not that problem. I get restless and sometimes I can pinpoint what’s going on which is forcing me to feel restless but other times I’ve really got nothing. I am so very bored w/my life that I want to run screaming naked down my street. That would be a very, very bad thing to do. I cannot figure out how to fix this not so little issue. I’m not sure traveling would solve it and there’s nothing really wrong with my job but I’m soo bored. I’m even being more social and going out quite a bit but nope still restless. Plus I tend to be a bit ADD which is not helping with this aggravating problem. BTW how many times do you think I can use the word, “problem” in this post? I dare you to count.

What to do? I think partly it’s from not having closure with a few past relationships which applies to any type of relationship not just the romantical kind. I have this nagging issue where if things are over with a person and I truly know that they are over but haven’t gotten that lovely luxury of having one final conversation with that person, it will take me FOREVER to just let the whole thing rest in peace. When I get that conversation all questions are answered and we can both just be on our merry ways. But pls keep in mind that I do not seek this conversation out until I’m doing sad, pathetic acts of desperation. I AM NOT THAT GIRL! I strictly live with the idea that no matter what I can walk out with my dignity. I say that instead of pride because being too proud can keep you from working things out and moving forward. Urgh people…..we have to have each other because without pain you will never know happiness which is very true but does there have to be so much pain before the happiness?