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Tonight I was watching a repeated episode of Grey’s Anatomy and the ending Meredith voice over had her saying that people who know what they want are happier than those who have no idea what they want. Are they? I have know exactly what I’ve wanted out of life since I could imagine my “adult” life but honestly I am no more happy than my friends who are wandering from job to job. All of us are equally frustrated, making less money than we are worth, and not miserable but at times not exactly happy.

So is knowing what you want and not being able to attain it is that better than not knowing at all? To me, nope. Having not actually obtained anything I’ve ever really, really wanted in life, I at times really wish I didn’t have those long term goals. Sometimes I think I would be happier if I just fell into jobs and wasn’t constantly hunting/striving for that “ideal” job.

Which is it? You tell me.

Every so often I run into this little, ok not really little, problem. No, not that problem. I get restless and sometimes I can pinpoint what’s going on which is forcing me to feel restless but other times I’ve really got nothing. I am so very bored w/my life that I want to run screaming naked down my street. That would be a very, very bad thing to do. I cannot figure out how to fix this not so little issue. I’m not sure traveling would solve it and there’s nothing really wrong with my job but I’m soo bored. I’m even being more social and going out quite a bit but nope still restless. Plus I tend to be a bit ADD which is not helping with this aggravating problem. BTW how many times do you think I can use the word, “problem” in this post? I dare you to count.

What to do? I think partly it’s from not having closure with a few past relationships which applies to any type of relationship not just the romantical kind. I have this nagging issue where if things are over with a person and I truly know that they are over but haven’t gotten that lovely luxury of having one final conversation with that person, it will take me FOREVER to just let the whole thing rest in peace. When I get that conversation all questions are answered and we can both just be on our merry ways. But pls keep in mind that I do not seek this conversation out until I’m doing sad, pathetic acts of desperation. I AM NOT THAT GIRL! I strictly live with the idea that no matter what I can walk out with my dignity. I say that instead of pride because being too proud can keep you from working things out and moving forward. Urgh people…..we have to have each other because without pain you will never know happiness which is very true but does there have to be so much pain before the happiness?

Today I watched an actually quite good film “Becoming Jane”. Overall the film was a moving, period film about Jane Austin and explains how she became “Jane Austin”. By that I mean how she was able to write such great love stories…why you ask? It’s because she never got the ending she wanted in life. She, a good person, did not get her life’s desire. But it’s entirely her fault.

Jane could of had the man she loved but if chose her then his reputation would be ruined and his financial means would vanish. Now the two through their love were determined to overcome this problem but here in lies the other problem. Her man was providing for his mother and many half brothers and sisters If he choose Jane then his entire family would suffer and Jane was convinced under this pressure and gloom their love would die too. So what does she do? She leaves him and never marries but becomes the world’s leading romantic novelist to this day.

Could you do that? Honestly I think I’ve given enough of myself and would have been selfish. In the end, no one was happy. They were still in love even though he married another woman and named his eldest daughter Jane and got an amazing career. Deep down though he still pined for her and she for him. Exactly what was the point? Is it better to love from afar than to never have that love?

I believe in life you have two choices. One you can live your life without failing in love but suffer from the loneliness and eventually jealousy you will have toward those you have found love and happiness. The loneliness can kill you and in history it has done exactly that. Having the feeling that you are entirely alone in this world leaves one completely empty and can turn you cold.

On the other hand you can fall in love which is marvelous if it lasts but what if it doesn’t? You crave for someone to tell you that they want you, desire you, love you, wants you around and then they take that away. You’re left with sometimes anger, other times sorrow, but it all winds up to be heart break and of course loneliness. The pain from this can envelop you and overtake your world. Sometimes you can feel it through your entire body until you can no longer breath – it’s crushing.

So what’s better? To know that love, that feeling of completing another person or meeting someone you connect with in every sense of the word or protecting your heart and staying alone? Honestly they both lead to loneliness and w/o love there will be no inspiration for art, poetry, films, TV, literature etc. Though you can be crushed….it’s always better to feel…something.

Each and every year I attempt to have a drunken good time on the 4th of July but alas I never seem to accomplish this goal. Sadly this year was not unlike the rest. Ok well to be fair it was great until about 5:30pm and then things went bad. But I had high hopes especially since I was going w/ a friend who i always have fun with and I just thought, “Hey, this is a good first step.” Wrong, wrong, so very wrong.

I went to party on a sail boat in the LB Marina w/ my friend, her sister & boyfriend (#1), and my “mini” and her boyfriend (#2). Sadly Boyfriend #1 turned into the type of guy I ran the F’ away from my entire life. Seemed harmless at first but then he kept drinking and drinking and drinking some more. Now he’s beligerant, and beratting his gf and her sister. Calling her “lard ass” and all of us “bitches.” Plus he could barely walk, kept stumbling around in these giant yellow workman boats. I thought forsure this ass is going to fall into the water (which in the LB is a guarantee bacterail infection).

After hours of humiliation and annoyance by this jerk we finally give up on him, leave the boat, steal the boat keys and go watch the fireworks. having have some “oohh” and “ahh” time, we decided to head back to La La Land but suddenly the gf is like I can’t leave him which pisses off the sister, who’s now drunk. Walking up a giant hill, we attempt to hail a cab to cab it back to the city. Keep in mind this adventure is going to cost us hundreds of dollars but um wait, cells rings and we’re walking back down the giant hill to the marina. Screaming ensues but we’re off home, oh wait now, idiot has taken the boat out to sail, which he barely knows how to do sober, and um where are the keys? More screaming, more driving around, some road rage where I thought some nice friendly Long Beachers were going to SHOOT US! and we’re back at the marina, “looking for the keys.” BUT those keys well on the way back down the giant hil they got thrown in to the street. An hour and half later, the drunk is found, no keys but we’re headed home.

Keep in mind this entire time there are 5 people in the Tahoe, 4 of which are saying nothing but continusoulsy txting each other. Obnoxious yes but there was no way in hell I was uttering one damn word. A day later I come to find out the drunk, is actually a drunk. Oh he’s in AA and he slipped but oh wwait it was apparently ok at first cause it was holiday. Um WTF?! GF dumped his ass. Oh and I’ve never seen a more sobering sight than a 44 yr old stumbling over his giant feet yelling obsenities. Shit, that should make anyone sober. Happy 4th of July!

For some people the hardest thing to say is “Hello.” aka: come into my life. Add to it, change it, open me up and get to know me. For others the hardest thing to say is “good bye”. Two very simple words that no matter what will change your life. Whether it be in a huge, permanent way or in the tiniest way that changes you without you even realizing it. Then there’s the in between. The good bye’s you aren’t forced to admit but know they are happening, cannot change it, and then take awhile to finally say those words, mean those two words, and accept those two words. It can feel like you’re completely breaking and it can be very painful but one day you just out of the blue realize you have to say them to yourself and then in some way to the other person.

I wish I could say I’ve reached that point. I want to be at that point but I’m not there. So I push forward, hoping that day comes soon, praying it comes soon. Because the other person is not coming back. They no longer want me in their life so therefore I must say good bye to them in mine. Not there yet…….

2 A.M
Snow falls on the city
white on white
It’s the color of hope
on an unforgiving night
you kissed me into ruins
sin on sin
now i’ve gotta love your love letters
written on my skin

CHORUS:

I can’t tell the stars from the downtown lights
If i said I was truly over you
my heart would say amen
but I’d give in to the cold caress of 2 am.
If I admit I can’t get used to this
will my heart break again?
as i fall into the waiting arms of 2 AM

VERSE 2:

someone’s scratchy music through the walls.
sirens weavin’ thru the streets
i must have missed your call
gathering up these nights
black on black
i know your voice like it’s my own
and it makes my heart go slack

CHORUS:

I can’t tell the stars
From the downtown lights

If I said I was truly over you
My heart would say amen
But I give in to the cold caress of 2 AM
If I admit I can’t get used to this
Will my heart break again?
As I fall
Into the waiting arms of 2 AM

Oh
If I said I was truly over you
My heart would say amen
But I give in to the cold caress of 2 AM
If I admit I can’t get used to this
Will my heart break again?
As I fall
Into the waiting arms of 2 AM
Of 2 AM

**I’m working on bringing the funny back…..

Yesterday I had one of those classic, what were you thinking, giant fuck up moments. I, being the genius that I am, decided to wear my ipod into the bathroom stall at work. Jamming out I stood up, went to pull up my jeans, and “plop”! Turning I just stared at my ipod sinking to the bottom of the damn toilet. Now being grossed out and horrified that my ipod, an extension of myself that never ever leaves my side, could be dead.

Of course I fished it out, dried it off, and after consulting Google, did not try to open it but learned to put it in a bowl of uncooked rice. Apparently it draws the moisture out. Who knew? Today I carried to work my Tupperware of rice and ipod and dragged my ass over to the Apple Store. Now my apple store is at The Grove, which to those living in the real world outside of LA, this is the fancy, yet great, outdoor mall that you can spot any celebrity at during the day. Yes, ppl celebrities actually never ever work. Big surprise, I know. So there I sat. Hoping that my genius aka: mac fixer would take pity on me and save my pod. Luckily the guy just wanted to get the F’ out of there so he swapped mine out w/ a brand spanking new ipod. Happy dancing ensued. Ok self contained happy dancing.

But this people is why you should dump your damn, always breaking, virus infecting, media sucking PC’s into the dumpster. They are shit and when they break they never ever work correctly again and it takes weeks plus hundreds of dollars to fix them. BUT if you spent a few more dollars and bought a Mac when it broke you take an hour, maybe two and magically it’s fixed. AND if it can’t be fixed um well you get a new one. OR if you’re software is outdated, you smile, are polite and Oh, oh they will give you thousands of dollars of upgrades for FREE!!!!!!

Grow a brain and qut being cheap and just buy the damn Mac. Trust me you’re problems will be over.

http://www.apple.com/

To the 2.5 ppl who might be reading my blog sorry for the lack of posts. I’ve honestly just have had nothing to say and no desire to be funny about the nothing. But here’s some of the latest crap in my life…

1. My sister is filing for divorce or has? I’m not sure. Why you ask? Well because apparently I don’t get to know the details because I suck at being a sister. Now I could write on that subject for years but it’s too frustrating. I’m sad for my sister and it’s really not a good situation. Not that she’s being harmed in any sense of the word but she is very unhappy. Probably the unhappiest I have ever seen her but I cannot fix this problem and my advice is worth shit cause I’m the “little” sister who knows nothing. Bitter about that; yes. My family has asked me to “take one for the team” and call her to get screamed at for my supposed suckage. Anyone think that sounds like fun? I don’t.

2. I cannot read nor speak the following languages: Spanish, German, Swiss German, Polish, Portuguese, hebrew, Russian, Italian, French, Dutch, Chinese, Japanese or any other language. I never thought this would be such a problem in my life but now that I’ve started making international television it’s become the bane of my exsistence. I spent today attempting to read Polish while listening to an awful Russian pop star sing. By 6pm I wanted to rip my eyes out and go running around in circles in my office.

3. The Itching. I want to rip my skin off from the itching. Oh yes the itching but no rash that I’m now taking prescription drugs for and medicated lotion which isn’t working! For now the doctors think it’s from stress. Yes, my work, family, and sort of recent break up has manifested itself as me embarassingly clawing my arms and legs. It’s so bad that I cannot even stop doing it when it’s inapproporiate. Liek today while I sat in a meeting with my boss I couldn’t stop scartching my arms. He looked at me like I was some disease. The scary part? If this isn’t caused from stress then it could be kidney realated which is a death sentence to a diabetic. Not good. Keep your fingers crossed that it’s just stress from the ex.

Well none of that was funny now was it? Shit. I’m working on it.. Patience you 2.5 ppl.

In order to avoid my mind ie. thoughts I’ve taken to reading, A LOT! Here’s what I’ve been reading:

Special Topics in Calamity Physics
T is for Trespass
Boy Meets Girl
Flight
Twilight
Eclipse
New Moon
Bitter is the New Black
Eat Pray Love
Why Men Marry Bitches
Magical Thinking
Minaret
& Two other books I borrowed but forgot their names….

To Read:
A New Earth
The Other Boleyn Girl
Confederacy of Dunces- just figured out I had read this years ago…
Giving
Breakable You
Running with Scissors
Possible Side Effects
Dry
Einstein’s Dreams
Love in the Time of Cholera
Reading Lolitas of Tehran
The Monsters of Temptation
Now you See Him
Trauma
Then We Came to the End
Remembering Me
The King’s Gold

I was all set w/ something interesting to write about but crap I’m so old I forgot it. I hate when that happens. I’m beginning to get worried that recently I’ve become a bit boring. I’m blaming this on the fact that I’m a bit broke and I cannot afford to have a life. That and I’m back to not sleeping so I’m cranky/tired all the damn time. Being in a new job makes being all cranky a bit awkward. I’m trying not to be but yesterday I think my producer go the full extent of it and really she’s to nice to have to deal w/ my mood swings. plus I have no energy and I hate feeling that way….I need to be working on my side project but I’m having a few issues w/ focusing on it. Not good. Not good at all.

Things that shouldn’t take me all day to do but are right now:

1. The dishes
2. Cook
3. Get to work – seriously getting later and later
4. Getting dressed – beginning to dress like I did in college which is not cute
5. Where was I going w/ this list?
6. Write anything – see above
7. Work – call me Turtle
8. Um…..think?
9. Why does this list need 10 things?
10. Be entertaining/charming…yep just failing here.

Well that was dumb…..good thing um no one reads this thing. HA!

Two weeks ago I started a new job and so far it’s been good. Not perfect but a vast improvment from my last position. In my new building you have to scan your badge to get into our office suite. AND you have to use a key to get into the bathroom waaaayyyy down the hall – it’s so annoying.

Anyways….last Thursday after living in my new digs for almost two weeks I’m coming back from the bathroom. Walking up to the suite door, I smile at my new janitor. Yes, I don’t know his name but he’s really friendly and smile at me but doesn’t speak much if any english. So I smile and stroll up to the door and then attempt to open the suite door w/ the bathroom key. After several tries I realize that um I need to swipe the badge. Now already feeling like the biggest moron to walk the planet I swipe my card, the door beeps, but I’m pulling on the door and it’s not opening. Screwing my face up in frustration I’m like what the hell is wrong w/ this freakin’ door! Again I swipe the badge and nothing. On the third try w/ the badge I remember, “oh yeah! I need to turn the handle after the beep.” I repeat I’ve been working here for almost two weeks.

So I quickly enter the suite, but on the last moment turn my head slightly to the right because I hear giggling. Standing there still smiling my friendly janitor is laughing at me and shaking his head. I think I just became his favorite new person on the 2nd floor.